Escapism
I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. It’s never been a subject I’ve dwelt on much before. And, in fact, I scarcely knew what it really meant. Yes, I had a vague inclination; I used my context clues and my critical thinking skills. I majored not in History and minored not in English for nothing.
And why? Why has it been something that I knew of but did not know of? That, I’m afraid, is the easy part. I’ve never needed it. There’s always been something going on in my life. Seventeen years of schooling does that to you. Even amidst of the hardships I’ve endured–especially over the last few years–I’ve always had something to keep me busy. Most often it was school, but occasionally it was a semi-regular job, friend–the few I keep, that is–or even something as simple as the constant struggle of trying to perfect a story I had written.
But now, my life is left hanging. I’m 22 years old, I have a college degree, a teaching license that allows me three different subject areas, and no means of my own income. I have nothing that I can really call my own. The few dollars that I earn in tutoring and babysitting is not enough for apartment rent. My car is still in my father’s name. My parents feed me. Try as I might, I cannot find a job–full time or otherwise. I feel like a parasite, a leech.
I do not write this to complain. I do not write this to feel sorry for myself. I have it lucky, and I know that. My parents are gracious and loving, I could not ask for better. I write this because, despite of my parents deep gratitude, I still feel like a burden. In college I tasted independence, and I do not have that now. I know that I am young with my whole life at my feet, and I so wish I could enjoy this time more. I am trying to enjoy it. Between looking for jobs, I try to think of ways I can take advantage of this new found and short lived (hopefully) freedom. But it comes back to this: I have not the means.
If I had the means, I would travel everywhere from Alaska, to Disney World, to Germany. I have missed Hawai’i since last summer; I was truly happy on her beaches and in her sunlight. I have the strong desire to see London again, and to relish it as I could not in my short 3 days there this Spring. I would be giddy for a return to Italy. To see Florence and Naples and Venice. And oh, for Ireland. My heart aches for those hills of Green. For the bustling streets of Dublin. Could it be only four months since I last saw them? Since I sat in St. Stephen’s Green on the anniversary of one of my darkest days, only to feel love for a place I barely knew?
If I had the means, I would experience history in a way I haven’t before. I would see places where great, and terrible, things have happened. I would soak in the importance of the events that changed the course of human events in this country. How much better could I teach history when I have been to these places and seen these things? When I have put myself in the places of those who lived them?
If I had the means, I would be in Boone for the Fall. It is the best time of year in the Mountains. The beauty. The brisk air. I love it. I miss it.
If I had the means, I would be with my friends. Those I left when I graduated. Those who touched my life more than any other people I have ever known.
But alas, I have not the means. And so, I turn to Escapism.
First, I find myself engrossed in early British history. I have always, always loved studying Tudor history (Henry VIII, Queen Elizabeth). Now, my favorite author, Phillipa Greggory, has released a new book about the history of the Plantagenets–the line of British Kings before the Tudors. I find myself engrossed and overly interested in this new era that I have studied so little. It gives me a new way of looking at a time I thought I understood. The historian in me is ravenous.
Secondly, I have rediscovered Sherlock Holmes. My senior year in high school I devoured all of the Sherlock Holmes stories: 4 novels and 60-0dd short stories. For my birthday, I received the 1980’s Granada television series of Sherlock Holmes on DVD. They are brilliant. I am devouring them much as I did the originals. And of course, my obsession doesn’t stop there. I find free audio books for my ipod. I bought a PC video game. I am reading up on Conan Doyle’s life and the life of the fictional detective. I imagine he was a real man. I wish he was a real man. I admire him from fiction. I admire his era and once again wish that I had lived in Victorian England. I escape into Sherlock Holmes.
Thirdly, I find solace in comedy. Espcially one tv show in particular: Psych. For one hour each Friday I am able to laugh at complete hilarity. The episodes are a combination of pop culture, nonsense, and brilliance. I forget my troubles and my issues for this hour each week. I am not me, but an observer. It is a wonderful hour.
And so, I am discovering Escapism. In this world where I am finding it hard to make things more forward and go right, I am finding worlds where I don’t have to be me. I don’t have to stress and I don’t have to worry. It is nice. But what would be nicer?
Escaping Escapism.
