Go AMERICA!

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July and I am psyched.  I mean literally. I love this holiday so, so much! I mean, yes, the BBQs and family and beach and fireworks are awesome.  Hanging out with my family is my favorite thing ever.  But that’s not why I love this holiday.  I love the Fourth of July because I LOVE my county.  I am so proud of being an American, I can’t even express it.  You’ll notice that’s a common theme in my blogs.  Let’s remember that I started this blog because of my trip to Ireland, but don’t let that fool you.  Ireland was awesome, but America is my home, my heart, my county.  It’s true, I’m not fond of everything this county does or of all of its values; however, I still couldn’t be prouder of where I’m from.  I refer you to both my post from the last July 4th (Oh Say Can You See?) or a couple of my posts from Ireland, the first where I taught America to my Middle Students (2nd Paragraph from Where HAS the time gone?!) or when I saw the bodies in St. Michan’s Church Crypt of the Irish Rebels (last 2 paragraphs from Here at the end of all things).  Heck, just click on the tag “America” on the main page of my blog and read all of the ones I’ve posted under that name.  I love my country.

I have noticed that going overseas has one of two effects on the average person.  In general, both sets of people will acknowledge the separate cultures they visit and create an appreciate and respect for them.  The first sort of people will leave their heart overseas, converting their loyalty to where ever it is that they visit.  This bothers me.  Yes appreciate, yes respect, yes love, but remember your roots.  I don’t ask that immigrants to this country forget where they are from.  I except that a person who moves here from Ireland will become American, but also keep their connection to their home country.  There are exceptions to this that I’m just not going to get into right now, because this is not a political blog, so we’ll leave that aside for later.  The second kind of effect overseas travel will have is when a person goes to another country and falls in love with the culture they find there, but they come home with a greater love for their own nation.

That is what happened to me.  I’ve always loved being an American, but now I am downright exuberant of it.  I love my God and my country.  I even love North Carolina more than I did before (which is saying something as I have always loved my state).

However, it wasn’t just overseas travel that increased my love for America.  Teaching has done that to me as well.  It was one thing to study American history as a student and appreciate it, but another thing altogether to impart this knowledge and information to children and teens.  Suddenly, I’m drawing conclusions and making connections and explaining their importance.  It makes me so excited to be able to say, “Look at this! Look what our Founding Fathers did! It was unprecedented, unimaginable, and nearly impossible–but they did it.”  I even now more appreciate the story of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address (which by the way, today is the anniversary of the last day of that battle).  Before Lincoln gave that short little speech people would refer to the United State as a plural and say things like “The United States are a democracy.” Afterwards, whether because of that speech or because of the war in general, people referred to the country as a singular, such as, “The United States is a democracy.”  Also, think about our pledge of allegiance: “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands ONE nation UNDER God, INDIVISIBLE with Liberty and Justice for all.” Have you ever thought about why Indivisible is in the pledge? It seems an odd word thrown in there.  It’s because of the Civil War.  I am a Southerner, and I am proud of that too, but the Civil War almost destroyed what the Revolutionary war built.  Afterwards, we realized that we are a people Indivisible.  We are United under our God and our government to stand strong together.  Amen.

I want to end this blog by expressing again the importance of what happened during the American Revolution. Can you imagine what the Founding Fathers felt when they voted on and signed the Declaration of Independence.  Had they failed in their intent, and by all accounts they should have, they had just knowingly and willingly committed an act of treason to the crown.  They had signed their own death warrant.  THINK ABOUT IT!! The Declaration of Independence could have been the Death Warrant of the 56 men who penned their names to it.  For many of them, it was.  Doesn’t that give new meaning to what they did? Doesn’t that hit it home? It is sobering.  I know that I am sobered by it.  And yet, they had confidence in it.  So strong was the confidence of my personal favorite Father, John Adams, that he wrote back to his wife Abigail on July 3, 1776 of the events of July 2 (the day we should actually celebrate the Independence Day, as that was the day the Declaration was adopted) of a great celebration that would continue in this country for the rest of history.  I am posting it hear for you to read carefully.  Read between his lines.  He is thrilled, but also afraid.  He is confident, but also realistic.  But his forethought is incredible.  He knows he is right, and he knows what he had just done.

The Delay of this Declaration to this Time, has many great Advantages attending it. The Hopes of Reconciliation, which were fondly entertained by Multitudes of honest and well meaning tho weak and mistaken People, have been gradually and at last totally extinguished. Time has been given for the whole People, maturely to consider the great Question of Independence and to ripen their Judgments, dissipate their Fears, and allure their Hopes, by discussing it in News Papers and Pamphletts, by debating it, in Assemblies, Conventions, Committees of Safety and Inspection, in town and County Meetings, as well as in private Conversations, so that the whole People in every Colony of the 13, have now adopted it, as their own Act. This will cement the Union, and avoid those Heats, and perhaps Convulsions which might have been occasioned, by such a Declaration Six Months ago.But the Day is past. The Second Day of July 1776, will be the most memorable Epocha, in the History of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated, by succeeding Generations, as the great anniversary Festival. It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfire and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more.

You will think me transported with Enthusiasm, but I am not. I am well aware of the Toil, and Blood, and Treasure that it will cost Us to maintain this Declaration, and support and defend these States. Yet, through all the Gloom, I can see the Rays of ravishing Light and Glory. I can see that the End is more than worth all the Means, and that Posterity will triumph in that Day’s Transaction, even though We should not rue it, which I trust in God We shall not.

God Bless America.

Interestingly, this painting is inaccurate and a scene such as this never took place, however, what a great representation of what it means to be American

Franklin, Adams, and Jefferson refining the Declaration

 

One year

Tomorrow is a very important and very sad day for my family.  Tomorrow marks one year since Jordyn went to be with the Lord.  It feels like just yesterday since she was with us, and yet it feels like decades ago.   So much has happened to us since then, and I hardly know where I stand. We have another little one in the family, Mike & Lisa’s Bridget, and little Jacob Daniel who is almost here.  There are some days when I still can’t keep from holding back the tears and there are some days when Jordyn feels so close to me that it’s almost like she’s here.  I can still hear her calling me, “Da-becca.” And watching Cinderella III with her snuggled against me.  And picking “a-torns.” And holding her just after she had been born in the hospital: the first of my baby cousins.  And wanting me to play with her and holding her sweet little hand when I took her to the movies.  And laughing at Faith’s first birthday when Cindy stuffed chocolate on my face.  And her ever joyful last Christmas. There is a part of me that still questions, still wonders if something could have been different, but biggest part of me has moved closed to what I might term as acceptance.   Not acceptance of her death, but of God’s greatness.  I was so fortunate to have a wonderful church family who supported me throughout everything and afterwards, who helped me realize that it wasn’t a vindictive god who took her, but a loving God who cares for her.   Jordyn already has a headstart spending the rest of eternity worshiping God, and I’ll be with her again one day.   Jordyn doesn’t long to be back on Earth, so why should we long for her to be.  That doesn’t make it any easier, but I continue to have hope in Christ who redeems me.
I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

~Psalm 34

 

Work

Well I’m leaving in just 17 short days and I feel like I have SO much to do before I go!  Not even just packing and making sure I am mentally prepared for a 6 week voyage across the pond, but also finishing my student teaching here in the good ol’ US of A!  There are times when I feel so overwhelmed that I am distancing myself from the massive chaos.  Sometimes it seems easier to avoid the problem then actually sit down and grade those essays (which I HAVE to finish for tomorrow or my kids will hunt me down).

However, God is completely aware of my situation and sent me to church this morning to hear this message: SLOW DOWN!  Ok, well that’s only part of it.  What I really heard from Him is, “Chill out, Rebecca.  I know that you have a ton of work to do and you need to do it, don’t procrastinate and be lazy, but you need to do all of your work for me.”  Yep, grade papers as if grading for the Lord and not for my students.  Being lazy does not show glory to God, but getting all of my work done–and doing it with the right attitude–does. It’s hard for me to hear that right now because it would be sooo much easier if I could forget about North Carolina for the next 17 days and just prepare for Dublin.  It’s what I would rather do.  But I have not been in God’s word like I should be and I’ve forgotten why I am doing what I’m doing.  I am not teaching for myself or for the money (I think that no one can argue that).  I can’t even delude myself that most or any of my students actually care about history.  What’s important is that I show them that I care for them.  With all of the baggage some of these kids have, they need the love from someone.  Maybe I’m not the best person, but it’s what I am there for.  I only hope that I can counsel them in a spiritual way and direct them in a path that will allow them to succeed in life.  And maybe the ones that don’t know Christ will see Him in me.  But I can’t do that if I drop off the planet and don’t for those relationships for the next 17 days.  That’s not a lot of time I have left with them.

So in summation: Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if working for the LORD and not for men.  (Colossians 3:23)

 

I’ll be home for Christmas

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”—which means, “God with us.” When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

~Matthew 1:18-25

Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. Really, it’s more the time of Halloween through New Years, but especially Christmas. I know it is cliche on so many levels for me to tell all of you that this is not because of the “commercial Christmas of America” but because of what the “true meaning of Christmas,” but in reality, that is the truth. I feel like the phrase “the true meaning of Christmas” is thrown around a lot this time of year, between Lifetime and Hallmark channel “original” movies and classic cartoons and whatnot, and that we as a society remember the phrase and not what the phrase actually stands for. I love Christmas firstly because I love remembering that I have a Savior who came to earth in the humble skin of man to save me from myself-from my sin. Sin, being what separates me from God, is not a behavioral issue or a moral issue like many think. The pastor at the church I went to last Sunday described it so perfectly for me: sin is a relational issue. When I sin, it is because I am losing focus on God and what He wants from me. How wonderful to have this time of year to remind me of that. (This is why “Charlie Brown Christmas” is my favorite, I mean seriously, Linus just jumps out and quotes scripture when he tells Charlie Brown the “true meaning of Christmas.”)

There’s another reason that I love Christmas, and that is because I love my family. In my whole life, I’ve never lived further than 2 hours from close family (my grandparents, my dad’s parents, lived in Greenville when I was a little girl; my mom’s parents, brothers, & sister and my dad’s sister and her family have lived in the same city as us my whole life) and not more than one state away from distant family (my granny’s brother and his family live in Tennessee) and even them we are very close to. I love Christmas because we have set traditions every year that includes each member of my family. All day long, I am surrounded my the people I love the most in this world and I love it. Christmas is a time that brings all of us together and I start looking forward to Christmas on December 26th.

Last year was one of the best Christmases I can remember. True, my dad’s parents, who both passed away in 2001, were not there, and I always think of them and miss them on Christmas, but over the years that gets easier. I was able to spend almost 13 years of my life with them and I loved them so, so much and learned so, so much from them. Knowing that they are no longer suffering from their illnesses and are with Jesus and members of their own immediate families (my grandmother was one of 7 children) makes that easier. Last year, though, Jordyn was still with us. It was her first Christmas since she was less than a year old, in 2004, that she felt good! At 4 years old, she was just big enough to be excited about Christmas and Santa and was able to pass that joy onto Audrey, my other uncle’s daughter, who was just 3 years old. She was having a good day, which was so rare back then. She was laughing and playing and having, quite literally, the time of her life. At one point in that day I even took her up to my nativity set and told her the story of Jesus and why we were celebrating that day. I don’t know how much of that she understood, but it is still a memory I cherish. When we lost Jordyn that April, I came to realize that that whole day is a memory I will always treasure.

This brings me to this year. The season for me started out much as it has in the past. Thanksgiving was oh so bittersweet without her there, but I had my other little angels, Audrey and Faith, to run me ragged! The drug me from room to room and played with every toy in their arsenal–and I loved it! It also gave me very little time to miss Jordyn. But now that Christmas is approaching and I’m decorating my apartment and getting excited about family plans, I’m starting to realize what Christmas is going to mean for us this year. Jordyn won’t be there to be excited about hearing Santa’s Sleigh Bells at my granny’s Christmas Eve Party, and she won’t be there on Christmas morning to put joy in everyone’s heart. As I am sitting here alone in my apartment now, it hit me all at once and very suddenly when I was listening to the song “I’ll be Home for Christmas.” Most versions of that song don’t play the original introduction of the song but simply jump straight into the first verse, however, Michael Buble does. The lines, originally meant to speak to soldiers during World War II, really hit home for me: “I’m dreaming tonight of a place I love, even more than I usually do. And although I know it’s a long road back, I promise you, I’ll be home for Christmas.” We are all going to be there this Christmas, including new little Bridget and the new baby not yet born, all of us except Jordyn. When it hit me, I mean really struck at me, I couldn’t help but break out into tears. What are we going to do without her this Christmas?

I’m so thankful now that this celebration isn’t just a commercial time and that I do have the joys of Christ to remember because without that, there would be no getting through it. Jesus came as a little baby boy to save the world from our sins so that we will be with Him again one day. I have accepted Him, devoted myself to Him, and He has washed me clean. I know that this means I will be home and worshiping for all eternity when my short life ends here. And I know that Jordyn, whose life was so much shorter than any of us could have ever believed, is there with Jesus now and that she is waiting for us. One day, not too long from now–because what is 60 years compared to eternity?–I will be with her again. But right now, Jordyn is just a sweet little red-headed angel watching over us. And I know that Jordyn will be with us for Christmas, if only in our dreams.

Audrey and Jordyn Christmas Eve 2007

 

My Perfect Date

Ok so I know that this is so incredibly lame and maybe a little bit cliche, but I was thinking about this today and decided I would write a detailed description of what I feel like would be the perfect date.

To begin, it would have to be in the Winter, probably December or January. Preferably it would be snowing. Not the super heavy kind, and neither the skimpy little flurries. A snow shower if you will. The big flakes that if you catch on your glove just right, then you can still see the shape. It would be a Sunday.

I would wake up early and get dressed. Because it’s snowing and cold outside I would probably be wearing a fuzzy sweater and an even fuzzier scarf: very comfortable. He would come a pick me up at my place and we would drive to the closest coffee shop–maybe Starbucks–and he would buy me a cup of coffee. Although on most days I would probably go for just a straight up black coffee, on this day I would be feeling a Peppermint Mocha because of the snow. We would enjoy the coffee together and then we would go to church. We would sit together at church. Chances are, I would get cold in the sanctuary, as I always do in church. He would offer me his jacket, which I would obviously take. It probably wouldn’t help all that much, but just his offer would be enough.

After church, he would take me to lunch. No where fancy, but not fast food either. Somewhere fairly cheap and easy, like Applebees or an Italian restaurant. Lunch would be pleasant because it would give us a chance to just talk and hang out with each other. After lunch we would go back to one of our two places, probably his. It would still be snowing. We would go inside and he would light a fire in the fireplace and we would pull open the blinds to the windows so we could watch the snow keep falling. We would make hot chocolate, put in a movie, and sit together on the couch. As I usually am on Sunday afternoons, I will be sleepy so I’ll probably lay my head down on his chest or shoulder and he would wrap his arm around my shoulders. Before the movie is over, I will fall asleep, especially if I’d seen the movie already. When the movie is over, he will gently wake me up–it will be almost 5:00 and he would take me home (assuming we were at his place). The End.

I know it’s a very simple sounding date/day, but that would be ok. It would be beautiful (because of the snow) and so relaxing. I don’t think you need to spend a lot of money to have fun with each other. I would get to spend time with my special someone worshiping our amazing God, drink my favorite kind of coffee, eat a meal that I don’t feel like I have to put on airs for, and just be comfortable watching a movie. I don’t have someone I can do this with yet, but I know that one day my Lord will send me the man who will find this day to be perfect to him too. Perfectly innocent, perfectly sweet, perfectly ideal.

 

It’s a Boy!

We found out yesterday that my aunt and uncle are going to have a little baby boy!!!!! Can I just be the first to say

I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!

How did I know this, you ask. Well I don’t know. I just had a hunch. But I believe, for one, that this is a very good thing for my family, and I think God knew that too. After all, my brother is the only boy first cousin on each side of the family–it’s about time we had another one! And now, my grandparents can’t tell Spencer that he’s their favorite grandson anymore (the favorite granddaughter ended for me on mom’s side when Jordyn was born, and then came Audrey, and Faith, and Bridget. And on dad’s side, well there were already two girls when I was born….I couldn’t catch a break!). I think it’s good too because my uncle is going to get to have boy-man bonding time with his new son, which is awesome, in my opinion. Growing up with a brother, I know that you def get a different experience if you have just a sister, so I think it will be great for Faith too! Mom told me last night that they want to name him Jacob Daniel in Jordyn (Danielle)’s honor, which I think is a great tribute to her memory. I’m also really partial to the name Jacob, so I’m happy with that. This is such a happy time for my family! We’d appreciate all of your prayers!! Praise Jesus!

 

After Election Night…

This is from Al Mohler who is President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. I do not think it could be worded any better.

The election of Sen. Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States came as a bang, not a whimper. The tremors had been perceptible for days, maybe even weeks. On Tuesday, America experienced nothing less than a political and cultural earthquake.

The margin of victory for the Democratic ticket was clear. Americans voted in record numbers and with tangible enthusiasm. By the end of the day, it was clear that Barack Obama would be elected with a majority of the popular vote and a near landslide in the Electoral College. When President-Elect Obama greeted the throngs of his supporters in Chicago’s Grant Park, he basked in the glory of electoral energy.

For many of us, the end of the night brought disappointment. In this case, the disappointment is compounded by the sense that the issues that did not allow us to support Sen. Obama are matters of life and death — not just political issues of heated debate. Furthermore, the margin of victory and sense of a shift in the political landscape point to greater disappointments ahead. We all knew that so much was at stake.

For others, the night was magical and momentous. Young and old cried tears of amazement and victory as America elected its first African-American President — and elected him overwhelmingly. Just forty years after the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, an African-American stood to claim victory as President-Elect of the nation. As Sen. Obama assured the crowd in Chicago and the watching nation, “We will get there. We will get there.” No one hearing those words could fail to hear the refrain of plaintive words spoken in Memphis four decades ago. President-Elect Obama would stand upon the mountaintop that Dr. King had foreseen.

That victory is a hallmark moment in history for all Americans — not just for those who voted for Sen. Obama. As a nation, we will never think of ourselves the same way again. Americans rich and poor, black and white, old and young, will look to an African-American man and know him as President of the United States. The President. The only President. The elected President. Our President.

Every American should be moved by the sight of young African-Americans who — for the first time — now believe that they have a purchase in American democracy. Old men and old women, grandsons and granddaughters of slaves and slaveholders, will look to an African-American as President.
Regardless of politics, could anyone remain unmoved by the sight of Jesse Jackson crying alone amidst the crowd in Chicago? This dimension of Election Day transcends politics and touches the heart of the American people.

Yet, the issues and the politics remain. Given the scale of the Democratic victory, the political landscape will be completely reshaped. The fight for the dignity and sanctity of unborn human beings has been set back by a great loss, and by the election of a President who has announced his intention to sign the Freedom of Choice Act into law. The struggle to protect marriage against its destruction by redefinition is now complicated by the election of a President who has declared his aim to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. On issue after issue, we face a longer, harder, and more protracted struggle than ever before.

Still, we must press on as advocates for the unborn, for the elderly, for the infirm, and for the vulnerable. We must redouble our efforts to defend marriage and the integrity of the family. We must be vigilant to protect religious liberty and the freedom of the pulpit. We face awesome battles ahead.
At the same time, we must be honest and recognize that the political maps are being redrawn before our eyes. Will the Republican Party decide that conservative Christians are just too troublesome for the party and see the pro-life movement as a liability? There is the real danger that the Republicans, stung by this defeat, will adopt a libertarian approach to divisive moral issues and show conservative Christians the door.

Others will declare these struggles over, arguing that the election of Sen. Obama means that Americans in general — and many younger Evangelicals in particular — are ready to “move on” to other issues. This is no time for surrender or the abandonment of our core principles. We face a much harder struggle ahead, but we have no right to abandon the struggle.

We should look for opportunities to work with the new President and his administration where we can. We must hope that he will lead and govern as the bridge-builder he claimed to be in his campaign. We must confront and oppose the Obama administration where conscience demands, but work together where conscience allows.

Evangelical Christians face another challenge with the election of Sen. Obama, and a failure to rise to this challenge will bring disrepute upon the Gospel, as well as upon ourselves. There must be absolutely no denial of the legitimacy of President-Elect Obama’s election and no failure to accord this new President the respect and honor due to anyone elected to that high office. Failure in this responsibility is disobedience to a clear biblical command.

Beyond this, we must commit ourselves to pray for this new President, for his wife and family, for his administration, and for the nation. We are commanded to pray for rulers, and this new President faces challenges that are not only daunting but potentially disastrous. May God grant him wisdom. He and his family will face new challenges and the pressures of this office. May God protect them, give them joy in their family life, and hold them close together.

We must pray that God will protect this nation even as the new President settles into his role as Commander in Chief, and that God will grant peace as he leads the nation through times of trial and international conflict and tension.

We must pray that God would change President-Elect Obama’s mind and heart on issues of our crucial concern. May God change his heart and open his eyes to see abortion as the murder of the innocent unborn, to see marriage as an institution to be defended, and to see a host of issues in a new light. We must pray this from this day until the day he leaves office. God is sovereign, after all.

Without doubt, we face hard days ahead. Realistically, we must expect to be frustrated and disappointed. We may find ourselves to be defeated and discouraged. We must keep ever in mind that it is God who raises up nations and pulls them down, and who judges both nations and rulers. We must not act or think as unbelievers, or as those who do not trust God.

America has chosen a President. President-Elect Barack Obama is that choice, and he faces a breathtaking array of challenges and choices in days ahead. This is the time for Christians to begin praying in earnest for our new President. There is no time to lose.

 

While I’ve Still Got The Time to Have Them

Supposedly, I’m going to find out tomorrow sometime about Ireland.  While I still have time to be seperated from it, I wanted to flesh out my final thoughts until I get jumbled and confused with the final answers.

I am scared out of my mind.

I know, that’s a great way to start, huh?  I just want this so badly and I’m so afraid of what the answer will be.  Ok, that doesn’t make that much sense, or at least not the sense I wanted it to make.  Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m scared because I know that whatever happens will be what God wants for me and I’m afraid that what I want may not be what God wants.  If I don’t get it I know that I will have to accept that God didn’t want me to get it and it will be what is best for me, but that is not going to stop me from being very disappointed.  The fact that I didn’t win that paper contest doesn’t help…I’ve already set myself up to be disappointed.  I know that’s stupid, but I can’t help it.  I guess I feel that if I set myself up to expect something and it doesn’t happen, I’ll be more upset about it rather than if I set myself up to expect it NOT to happen.  How twisted is that?  Part of me sees it as realistic, part of me sees it as insane.  Either way, the point is, I’m not as convinced as some people are that I am a sure-thing to get this and that scares me to death. 

There’s another thing that scares me about this. It’s something that I’m not sure has actually hit me yet, even though I do get it on some level.  If this thing pans out and I get accepted, I am going to be living five weeks in another country………….wow.  I mean, my cousins have both done it; I’ve got great examples of how awesome it can be, but can I really do something like that.  It will certianly be out of my acceptable comfort zone…heck, going to college three hours from home was out of my comfort zone.  The day my parents left me at my dorm, I begged them to take me back home and not make me stay here.  Then again, as soon as they were gone, I was fine and fell in love with school.  What I’m trying to say is, I know I can handle it, but the thought of it right now is so frightening.  True, it’s not like I’m living somewhere where I don’t know the language (we can thank the English and their ancient pennal laws for that) but I’ll be living with someone who possibly won’t share my views or values; I’ll be expected to teach teenagers who have a completely different way of schooling than I am familar with, and I will know not a soul. 

Of course this brings up a completely different kind of fear: the actual student teaching part.  I’m not going to Ireland just for a five week joy trip; I’m going to have a job to do.  In order to even make it that far, I have to be awesome during my stateside student teaching.  What if I have a horrible co-op teacher?  What if I get into the high schools and just fail?  What if…….what ifs are pointless, I know that, but it is still a concern I’ve got, and an honest concern.  I am going have to work my tail off for 10 weeks even after I’ve got everything settled to go (assuming again that I get accepted).  That just won’t be easy or fun.

There’s one final thought I’ve got to consider: what does this mean for the relationships I am developing here? Ok yeah, it’s only five weeks…but a lot can happen in a month. True it’s not like I’ve got really any kind of commitments here during that time, but I’m afraid to even get to that point.  This goes not really just for Ireland, but for school in general.  In less than three months time, I am moving back home to Raleigh for good.  I will be leaving App and all of my friends here, possibly for the last time. I have plans for how I want my life to go following that time. I will not be coming back up to this area ever, except for short-term visits.  I love the mountains, but I can’t liver here long-term.  I want to teach in Raleigh, maybe eventually go to Charleston for grad school, maybe somewhere else, but probably not back up here.  I am trying to be realistic.  I love my friends here and I hope to always, always be contact with many of them, but honestly, once December rolls around there are going to be a lot of people I lose connections with.  Maybe this is why God has not allowed me to devlop a romantic realtionship with anyone up here, because He knows it can’t work.  And what happens if I go to Ireland and develop friendships there?  That’s going to be hard.  I know I can’t build myself up as a stonewall and be cold, but at the same time, I hate saying good-bye.  I won’t be easy. 

Let’s face it, nothing about this is going to be easy.  In fact, reading over this, part of me wonders if I’m insane. But in the end, this is what it boils down to: I love Ireland. I want to be there. Part of me almost feels like I need this.  I am scared out of my mind, but I know I still want this.  I’m still seeking for my place in this world and I am waiting and asking for God to direct me to where He wants me to be.  I hope that this includes Ireland, but if it doesn’t, I’ll learn to understand why.  Wherever I roam, be it Dublin or just back to Raleigh, I know that the Lord will be with me and I will find what I am seeking.

 

Little Red

My younger second cousin, Hannah, had to write a memoir for one of her classes. She wrote it about Jordyn.  I cried when I read this, it is so beautiful.  Hannah is a great writer and this is so incrediably sweet.  This makes me realize how much I miss Jordyn, but it also lets me remember all of the wonderfully happy times we had together and how much better off she is now.  I’m so grateful to Hannah for this reminder.

 

Little Red

 

           “Living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.” She was the light in my life because knowing that she had conquered so much already made me want to strive for more and more each day. Her innocent personality shined even through her last breaths. Her small and frail body was complimented by auburn-brown hair, a precious smile, and a giddy laugh. These were the few things I could remember from her short years. Jordyn, kind and carefree, was a princess at heart who always wore a smile up until her final moment on Earth.

 

          Her diagnosis was the beginning and the end of a chapter in her life that would push Jordyn to her limits. It was unexpected, harsh, and gut-wrenching. The doctors were confused; two kinds of Leukemia at the same time? When we were given the news she had only spent twenty- two months of her life on earth and here I stood, untouched at ten years old. It was too surreal. I couldn’t bring myself to accept it. Family and friends all anticipated the rough journey ahead, but all we could do was support each other.

         

          Months after the ruthless diagnosis, she slowly began to transition from a fragile cancer patient into the three year-old that I knew and loved. She had finally started to get better. Unfortunately, she had to be isolated and kept away from other children because of her low white blood cell count. She couldn’t risk catching a disease that would send her spiraling downward; spoiling all of the precious miracles God had given her. On the upside, Jordyn began to frequently visit her beach house and started to spend ample amounts with her family. Venturing out of the hospital was like spotting a shining light at the end of a dark tunnel. While on spring break, I spent most of my time with Jordyn. One night, we were coming back from dinner and when we drove over a couple of bumps in the road she squealed as high-pitched as she could “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WEE! WEE!” we all laughed until our eyes poured with tears her bright, carefree sense of humor truly shined through her dark past.  

         

          While her progress was going great, she went to Disney and stayed at “Give Kids the World” sponsored by “The Make-A-Wish” foundation while she way happy and cancer-free. She loved it! However, a year into her remission, the Leukemia had come back at full force, crushing all the hope we had gained. October through November of that year, she took her second round of Chemotherapy. Her response to the medicine was great, and day by day her cancer withered down to nothing. Unfortunately, while they managed to control the cancer, Respiratory Syncytial Virus, otherwise known as RSV, and meningitis had taken over her body. At the time, her white blood cell count was at an all time low. Weeks later, she dominated Meningitis; Little Red bravely continued to press on against RSV with a heart full of hope.

 

          Everyone is put on this earth with a purpose, whether it is to affect someone in a small way, or to permanently alter their life. I am certain that Jordy’s purpose was to touch others in a way that is indescribable while illustrating her fervent capability to love. The feeling at the funeral was one that was heavy with tears and dampened with sorrow. But oddly, all of us knew that she was happier in heaven than we could ever know until we experienced it for ourselves. Without Little Red’s sweet humor and strong characteristics, I know that I wouldn’t have the same outlook on the world that I do now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Life

I am happy to report that my aunt and uncle are going to have another baby!! I love being the big cousin and I cannot wait for another little one.  I can’t lie, I want this baby to be a boy. My brother’s the only one on both sides and we need another little boy.  So, keep us in your prayers and here’s to hoping!