Escapism

Escapism

I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.  It’s never been a subject I’ve dwelt on much before.  And, in fact, I scarcely knew what it really meant.  Yes, I had a vague inclination; I used my context clues and my critical thinking skills.  I majored not in History and minored not in English for nothing.

And why? Why has it been something that I knew of but did not know of?  That, I’m afraid, is the easy part.  I’ve never needed it.  There’s always been something going on in my life.  Seventeen years of schooling does that to you.  Even amidst of the hardships I’ve endured–especially over the last few years–I’ve always had something to keep me busy.  Most often it was school, but occasionally it was a semi-regular job, friend–the few I keep, that is–or even something as simple as the constant struggle of trying to perfect a story I had written.

But now, my life is left hanging.  I’m 22 years old, I have a college degree, a teaching license that allows me three different subject areas, and no means of my own income.  I have nothing that I can really call my own.  The few dollars that I earn in tutoring and babysitting is not enough for apartment rent.  My car is still in my father’s name.  My parents feed me.  Try as I might, I cannot find a job–full time or otherwise.  I feel like a parasite, a leech.

I do not write this to complain.  I do not write this to feel sorry for myself.  I have it lucky, and I know that.  My parents are gracious and loving, I could not ask for better.  I write this because, despite of my parents deep gratitude, I still feel like a burden.  In college I tasted independence, and I do not have that now.  I know that I am young with my whole life at my feet, and I so wish I could enjoy this time more.  I am trying to enjoy it.  Between looking for jobs, I try to think of ways I can take advantage of this new found and short lived (hopefully) freedom.  But it comes back to this: I have not the means.

If I had the means, I would travel everywhere from Alaska, to Disney World, to Germany.   I have missed Hawai’i since last summer; I was truly happy on her beaches and in her sunlight. I have the strong desire to see London again, and to relish it as I could not in my short 3 days there this Spring.  I would be giddy for a return to Italy.  To see Florence and Naples and Venice.  And oh, for Ireland.  My heart aches for those hills of Green.  For the bustling streets of Dublin.  Could it be only four months since I last saw them?  Since I sat in St. Stephen’s Green on the anniversary of one of my darkest days, only to feel love for a place I barely knew?

If I had the means,  I would experience history in a way I haven’t before.  I would see places where great, and terrible, things have happened.  I would soak in the importance of the events that changed the course of human events in this country.   How much better could I teach history when I have been to these places and seen these things?  When I have put myself in the places of those who lived them?

If I had the means, I would be in Boone for the Fall.  It is the best time of year in the Mountains.  The beauty.  The brisk air.  I love it.  I miss it.

If I had the means, I would be with my friends.  Those I left when I graduated.  Those who touched my life more than any other people I have ever known.

But alas, I have not the means.  And so, I turn to Escapism.

First, I find myself engrossed in early British history.  I have always, always loved studying Tudor history (Henry VIII, Queen Elizabeth).  Now, my favorite author, Phillipa Greggory, has released a new book about the history of the Plantagenets–the line of British Kings before the Tudors.  I find myself engrossed and overly interested in this new era that I have studied so little.  It gives me a new way of looking at a time I thought I understood.  The historian in me is ravenous.

Secondly, I have rediscovered Sherlock Holmes.  My senior year in high school I devoured all of the Sherlock Holmes stories: 4 novels and 60-0dd short stories.  For my birthday, I received the 1980’s Granada television series of Sherlock Holmes on DVD.  They are brilliant.  I am devouring them much as I did the originals.  And of course, my obsession doesn’t stop there.  I find free audio books for my ipod.  I bought a PC video game.  I am reading up on Conan Doyle’s life and the life of the fictional detective.  I imagine he was a real man.  I wish he was a real man.  I admire him from fiction.  I admire his era and once again wish that I had lived in Victorian England.  I escape into Sherlock Holmes.

Thirdly, I find solace in comedy.  Espcially one tv show in particular: Psych.  For one hour each Friday I am able to laugh at complete hilarity.  The episodes are a combination of pop culture, nonsense, and brilliance. I forget my troubles and my issues for this hour each week.  I am not me, but an observer.  It is a wonderful hour.

And so, I am discovering Escapism.  In this world where I am finding it hard to make things more forward and go right, I am finding worlds where I don’t have to be me.  I don’t have to stress and I don’t have to worry.   It is nice.  But what would be nicer?

Escaping Escapism.

 

A Few Things I’m Tired of Hearing About

It’s been awhile, but I am feeling the need to post again.  As a social studies teacher, this may shock you, but I have stopped watching the news.  I am fed up with the media and what is portrayed on their stations.  With all of the news or whatnot that’s out right now, I feel the need to express just exactly when I’m tired of hearing about:

1) Michael Jackson. I’m sorry he’s dead, really I am, but let’s move on.  There are way more important things out there right now in this world than obsessing endlessly over the death of a fallen star.

2) Jon and Kate Plus 8. Or as I am calling them now “Jon and Kate plus 8 multiplied by paparazzi minus Jon divided by lawyers.” It not only makes me sad, but all this talking about it is, I believe, the root of everything.  Leave the poor people alone. And that’s all I’m saying

3) Barrak Obama as celebrity. He is the president of this country.  I could care less what show he went to with Michelle in NYC.  He does not need to be on E! but on CSPAN.  Stop putting him in the same category as Brangelina or the Jonas Brothers.  He is the president and I’d like to hear more about his policies than his swimsuit color choice.

4) The Recession/The Economy.  Would you like me to give you a simple overview how this whole recession thing started? Step One: before this county was technically in a recession, the media was whining about it.  Step Two: People freaked out.  Step Three: People stopped spending money.  Step Four: Places where people would have normally spent their money had to shut down.  Step Five: Other people lost their jobs.  Step Six: Those people stopped spending money.  Step Seven: The United States Government bought Chevrolet with the tax monies of those people who can’t afford to buy a car.  Ta da. Yes, it sucks, but seriously, stop talking about it.  When it gets to the level of the Great Depression, let me know.  Though if you’d watch MSNBC, they’ll tell you it’s already there.  For shame media.

5) The Phrase “How’s the job hunt going?”.  There is a hiring freeze in my school system. No one is hiring, no one is interviewing.  Our dear state government and governor can’t tell which way is up, much less plan a budget for next year—because it’s more important to spend money keeping the education lottery going rather than to spend money on keeping jobs for teachers.  I don’t have a job yet.  I’ll let you know when I do.

6) Twitter.

These are not, by far, the only things I’m tired of, but they are the biggies right now.  This weekend is the Fourth of July.  This holiday means so much more to me now that I’ve been in Ireland.  I love America more than I can express so I want to hear more about the good things in this country and those I can be proud of.  I want to hear about soldiers who are bravely doing their duty.  About families who are working for themselves to beat this economy.  About the politicians who are doing more than cheating on their wives. I want to know what is stimulating and thought provoking.  There needs to be more that encourages people to think, not sit mindlessly by and let the rest of the world pass.  I am seeking a better way.

 

One year

Tomorrow is a very important and very sad day for my family.  Tomorrow marks one year since Jordyn went to be with the Lord.  It feels like just yesterday since she was with us, and yet it feels like decades ago.   So much has happened to us since then, and I hardly know where I stand. We have another little one in the family, Mike & Lisa’s Bridget, and little Jacob Daniel who is almost here.  There are some days when I still can’t keep from holding back the tears and there are some days when Jordyn feels so close to me that it’s almost like she’s here.  I can still hear her calling me, “Da-becca.” And watching Cinderella III with her snuggled against me.  And picking “a-torns.” And holding her just after she had been born in the hospital: the first of my baby cousins.  And wanting me to play with her and holding her sweet little hand when I took her to the movies.  And laughing at Faith’s first birthday when Cindy stuffed chocolate on my face.  And her ever joyful last Christmas. There is a part of me that still questions, still wonders if something could have been different, but biggest part of me has moved closed to what I might term as acceptance.   Not acceptance of her death, but of God’s greatness.  I was so fortunate to have a wonderful church family who supported me throughout everything and afterwards, who helped me realize that it wasn’t a vindictive god who took her, but a loving God who cares for her.   Jordyn already has a headstart spending the rest of eternity worshiping God, and I’ll be with her again one day.   Jordyn doesn’t long to be back on Earth, so why should we long for her to be.  That doesn’t make it any easier, but I continue to have hope in Christ who redeems me.
I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

~Psalm 34

 

Travels North

Yesterday, was the start of my 2 week Easter Holiday.  On Friday, we sent the students off at school at 12:15 and then all of the staff went out to lunch.  Saturday, I went on a tour with the other American students to the North of Ireland.  As you may know, Northern Ireland is not apart of the Republic of Ireland, but is still part of Great Britain.  Therefore, I was literally in a different country.

The tour started with supposedly catching a bus called the “Aircoach” at around 3:55 in the morning–not even kidding.  So we get to the bus…it ONLY goes to the airport.  It wouldn’t let us get off in Dublin…losers.  Luckily, Nick’s most gracious and wonderful host mom picked us up and took us into Dublin at 4:00 in the morning.  We sat at the Paddywagon hostel until around 6:00 am when we caught a bus to take us into Belfast.   This is a looong drive and as much as I really wanted to watch the scenery, I was too tired and slept much of the way there.   We arrived in Belfast around 8:30(ish?) and from the bus station, we caught the Paddywagon bus which headed even farther North.  The weather that morning was miserable.  It was freezing cold, extremely windy, and raining sideways.  Our first stop was in the tippy top corner of the country at a rope bridge (Granny, you would have died).  The bridge was closed because of the rain, but we hiked up to the area, which was lovely despite the weather.

Next, we left the bridge to a place called The Giant’s Causeway.  This is just cool.  It is a natural rock formation that looks like a bridge that was built by the hands of a giant…hence the name.  It actually comes from a legend about a man named Finn McCool.  In short, he was a giant of a man that wanted to fight a rival in Scotland whom he had actually never seen.  His rival wouldn’t do it, so he built this “causeway” for him to come over.  When he finally did, Finn encountered a man 10 times his own size, so his wife hatched a plan where she dressed Finn up as a baby.  When his Scottish rival came to the house, Finn’s wife told him that Finn was out and would be back to fight him later.  When he saw their “son” in the corner he shuddered at the thought that if that was the size of their son, there was no telling how tall Finn was, so he left and destroyed the bridge behind him, leaving only a bit in Ireland and a bit in Scotland.  The weather wasn’t quite as bad there, but it still wasn’t perfect, but the rock formations were just incredible.  It was clear to me that it wasn’t Finn McCool who placed those stones there, but God who formed them perfectly.  Next we made a photo stop at Dunluce castle which is precariously perched on the edge of a cliff, but it was quite “photogenic.”

Finally, we drove into Derry, a city that has seen many struggles throughout its history and the site of the Bloody Sunday incident in the 70s.  There is a large division of Republicans (those who want Northern Ireland to be apart of the Republic) and loyalists (those who are loyal to England) in the city that still exists, though on a lesser note, today.  It is still called by its English name, Londonderry, by it’s loyalists citizens.  Unfortunately, we got to the city more than an hour after we were supposed to and we didn’t have much time at all to explore it as I would have liked .  Instead, we walked the wall of the city.  I thought this was a bit of shame just because it is such an important city to Irish history, but hopefully I will have a chance to visit again, if not this trip, then sometime in the future.

After leaving Derry, we returned to Belfast, where we only had just enough time to grab a coffee before hitting the trail back to Dublin.  Again, I really wish I could have seen more of the city and am considering taking another tour to go back one weekend before I go home.  We arrived back in Dublin about 8:30 and went to a pub to get some dinner before going home.  It was a long, long day, but it was overall, it was a completely wonderful trip.

In travelling all over this country, it is clear to me that God’s glory is all around.  When I went out to the sea in Shankill the other day, I brought my Bible with me and prayed that God would direct me to a passage that He wanted me to read, and I flipped my Bible straight open to Psalm 97.  The first verse reads “The Lord reigns, let the earth be glad; let the distant shores rejoice!” (Exclamation point added by me)  I was just amazed by this verse because there I was, sitting on a rock on a “distant shore” and totally engulfed in the glory of the Lord.  The rest of the psalm contiunes to praise and worship God’s glory and mightiness.  I am seeing this everywhere, between the rocks of the Giant’s Causeway to birds I’ve never seen the likes of before to people that are willing to help me at every turn.  I didn’t even have to look or seek these out, but God puts them in my path.  “Rejoice in the Lord, you who are rightous, and praise his holy name” (Ps 97:12).

 

I’ll be home for Christmas

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”—which means, “God with us.” When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

~Matthew 1:18-25

Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. Really, it’s more the time of Halloween through New Years, but especially Christmas. I know it is cliche on so many levels for me to tell all of you that this is not because of the “commercial Christmas of America” but because of what the “true meaning of Christmas,” but in reality, that is the truth. I feel like the phrase “the true meaning of Christmas” is thrown around a lot this time of year, between Lifetime and Hallmark channel “original” movies and classic cartoons and whatnot, and that we as a society remember the phrase and not what the phrase actually stands for. I love Christmas firstly because I love remembering that I have a Savior who came to earth in the humble skin of man to save me from myself-from my sin. Sin, being what separates me from God, is not a behavioral issue or a moral issue like many think. The pastor at the church I went to last Sunday described it so perfectly for me: sin is a relational issue. When I sin, it is because I am losing focus on God and what He wants from me. How wonderful to have this time of year to remind me of that. (This is why “Charlie Brown Christmas” is my favorite, I mean seriously, Linus just jumps out and quotes scripture when he tells Charlie Brown the “true meaning of Christmas.”)

There’s another reason that I love Christmas, and that is because I love my family. In my whole life, I’ve never lived further than 2 hours from close family (my grandparents, my dad’s parents, lived in Greenville when I was a little girl; my mom’s parents, brothers, & sister and my dad’s sister and her family have lived in the same city as us my whole life) and not more than one state away from distant family (my granny’s brother and his family live in Tennessee) and even them we are very close to. I love Christmas because we have set traditions every year that includes each member of my family. All day long, I am surrounded my the people I love the most in this world and I love it. Christmas is a time that brings all of us together and I start looking forward to Christmas on December 26th.

Last year was one of the best Christmases I can remember. True, my dad’s parents, who both passed away in 2001, were not there, and I always think of them and miss them on Christmas, but over the years that gets easier. I was able to spend almost 13 years of my life with them and I loved them so, so much and learned so, so much from them. Knowing that they are no longer suffering from their illnesses and are with Jesus and members of their own immediate families (my grandmother was one of 7 children) makes that easier. Last year, though, Jordyn was still with us. It was her first Christmas since she was less than a year old, in 2004, that she felt good! At 4 years old, she was just big enough to be excited about Christmas and Santa and was able to pass that joy onto Audrey, my other uncle’s daughter, who was just 3 years old. She was having a good day, which was so rare back then. She was laughing and playing and having, quite literally, the time of her life. At one point in that day I even took her up to my nativity set and told her the story of Jesus and why we were celebrating that day. I don’t know how much of that she understood, but it is still a memory I cherish. When we lost Jordyn that April, I came to realize that that whole day is a memory I will always treasure.

This brings me to this year. The season for me started out much as it has in the past. Thanksgiving was oh so bittersweet without her there, but I had my other little angels, Audrey and Faith, to run me ragged! The drug me from room to room and played with every toy in their arsenal–and I loved it! It also gave me very little time to miss Jordyn. But now that Christmas is approaching and I’m decorating my apartment and getting excited about family plans, I’m starting to realize what Christmas is going to mean for us this year. Jordyn won’t be there to be excited about hearing Santa’s Sleigh Bells at my granny’s Christmas Eve Party, and she won’t be there on Christmas morning to put joy in everyone’s heart. As I am sitting here alone in my apartment now, it hit me all at once and very suddenly when I was listening to the song “I’ll be Home for Christmas.” Most versions of that song don’t play the original introduction of the song but simply jump straight into the first verse, however, Michael Buble does. The lines, originally meant to speak to soldiers during World War II, really hit home for me: “I’m dreaming tonight of a place I love, even more than I usually do. And although I know it’s a long road back, I promise you, I’ll be home for Christmas.” We are all going to be there this Christmas, including new little Bridget and the new baby not yet born, all of us except Jordyn. When it hit me, I mean really struck at me, I couldn’t help but break out into tears. What are we going to do without her this Christmas?

I’m so thankful now that this celebration isn’t just a commercial time and that I do have the joys of Christ to remember because without that, there would be no getting through it. Jesus came as a little baby boy to save the world from our sins so that we will be with Him again one day. I have accepted Him, devoted myself to Him, and He has washed me clean. I know that this means I will be home and worshiping for all eternity when my short life ends here. And I know that Jordyn, whose life was so much shorter than any of us could have ever believed, is there with Jesus now and that she is waiting for us. One day, not too long from now–because what is 60 years compared to eternity?–I will be with her again. But right now, Jordyn is just a sweet little red-headed angel watching over us. And I know that Jordyn will be with us for Christmas, if only in our dreams.

Audrey and Jordyn Christmas Eve 2007

 

My Perfect Date

Ok so I know that this is so incredibly lame and maybe a little bit cliche, but I was thinking about this today and decided I would write a detailed description of what I feel like would be the perfect date.

To begin, it would have to be in the Winter, probably December or January. Preferably it would be snowing. Not the super heavy kind, and neither the skimpy little flurries. A snow shower if you will. The big flakes that if you catch on your glove just right, then you can still see the shape. It would be a Sunday.

I would wake up early and get dressed. Because it’s snowing and cold outside I would probably be wearing a fuzzy sweater and an even fuzzier scarf: very comfortable. He would come a pick me up at my place and we would drive to the closest coffee shop–maybe Starbucks–and he would buy me a cup of coffee. Although on most days I would probably go for just a straight up black coffee, on this day I would be feeling a Peppermint Mocha because of the snow. We would enjoy the coffee together and then we would go to church. We would sit together at church. Chances are, I would get cold in the sanctuary, as I always do in church. He would offer me his jacket, which I would obviously take. It probably wouldn’t help all that much, but just his offer would be enough.

After church, he would take me to lunch. No where fancy, but not fast food either. Somewhere fairly cheap and easy, like Applebees or an Italian restaurant. Lunch would be pleasant because it would give us a chance to just talk and hang out with each other. After lunch we would go back to one of our two places, probably his. It would still be snowing. We would go inside and he would light a fire in the fireplace and we would pull open the blinds to the windows so we could watch the snow keep falling. We would make hot chocolate, put in a movie, and sit together on the couch. As I usually am on Sunday afternoons, I will be sleepy so I’ll probably lay my head down on his chest or shoulder and he would wrap his arm around my shoulders. Before the movie is over, I will fall asleep, especially if I’d seen the movie already. When the movie is over, he will gently wake me up–it will be almost 5:00 and he would take me home (assuming we were at his place). The End.

I know it’s a very simple sounding date/day, but that would be ok. It would be beautiful (because of the snow) and so relaxing. I don’t think you need to spend a lot of money to have fun with each other. I would get to spend time with my special someone worshiping our amazing God, drink my favorite kind of coffee, eat a meal that I don’t feel like I have to put on airs for, and just be comfortable watching a movie. I don’t have someone I can do this with yet, but I know that one day my Lord will send me the man who will find this day to be perfect to him too. Perfectly innocent, perfectly sweet, perfectly ideal.

 

Still waiting on Ireland

Those of you who are faithful followers of my blog, will know that the reason I started this whole thing was to document my student teaching experience in Ireland, beginning with the application process.  You may also remember that, according to my blog, I was supposed to know whether or not I was going in September.  You’ll also notice that after an entry titled While I’ve Still Got Time to Have Them any mention of Ireland fell by the wayside.

Well that entry, dated September 28th, was meant to be the night before I found out.  And then that dragged on for a week, then another, until all Ireland applicants received an email stating that there were only 5 spots open, and 11 applicants.  The Assistant Dean (who runs the program) asked if we could all please meet to figure out the next step.  Well, it seemed to me that they should be able to narrow us down by our applications, but I was not going to complain, so I left my internship early the next day to be back in Boone in time to make the meeting.

Waiting outside her office door was slightly awkward.  Six of the applicants showed up and so there was the cloud hanging over that one or more of us would not be going on this trip.  The ast. dean shows up 15 minutes late, and we all pile into her office and she begins by saying, “You are all qualified and I would like to be able to place all of you, but it is not going to happen.  Therefore, since you didn’t realize how competitive this was going to be when you wrote your original application questions, I want you to tell me how you think we should narrow this down.”–wait a minute, you’re a big girl, shouldn’t you be able to narrow this down? Of course she should, but that’s no matter. And might I add, that yes, I did write my original essay as though it were a competitive process, thank you very much.  Most of the girls aren’t saying anything, so one girl pipes up with something, and again, there is silence.  Well, I’m not going to sit in silence, I’m going to say something that benefits me.  Know that most of (if not all of) these girls are elementary education majors and will not get nearly as much out of the trip as I would (what could be better than studying Irish and English history, my area of specialty, in the place where it happened and with a different world view?!), I say, “Well, I think you should take into account how this trip will be beneficial to us and what we are going to get out of this experience.”  No one else says anything.  So those are our two new criteria.  We leave with the impression that we are to write something about these two new issues and that we will have an interview eventually, wait for an email.  This meeting was October 24th.

A week passed, she hadn’t sent out an email with official questions, nor had she set up interview dates.  I decided I would go ahead and send her my interpretation of the questions, and I signed the email, “Looking forward to our interview!” And I waited.  I heard nothing from her, no confirmation she had received my email and still nothing official.  Still no interview. Another week dragged on. She was never in her office. Then another week and another, and still no word and I was tired of waiting.  I sent an email, as politely as I could, asking if she would please let me know what was going on.  That was what was driving me crazy the most.  I had no clue if I was missing the emails because of Span Blocker, if she had forgotten about us entirely, if she had made her decision, I did not know and I felt left in the dark.  I was fine with waiting, if only I knew what I was waiting for.  I attached a read-receipt to that email. I never got it back, I never got a response.

FINALLY, yesterday, she sent out a mass email to the Ireland applicants:

“Hello,
I wanted to give you an update on Ireland.  We are attempting to secure
placements for each of you if you are still interested.
Please keep in mind that I’m still not at all sure that we will be able
to place all of you, and I am fairly certain that we will not have any
final information before the end of January and perhaps not then.
So, if you are one of those students who can flow with this, then you
will feel all right about the process.  If you are one who needs to plan
your life right now and be sure about it, then you need to come to see
me immediately.
I’m still asking the question about whether any of you would like to
consider Mexico or Costa Rica.  Let me know as soon as possible.”

Ah Ha! Well this email came across to me as, “leave me alone, get out of my hair, I’m working on it.” And that is FINE with me, but at least we know now that she isn’t sitting on her hands doing nothing.

And so, dear friends, there is still a good chance I may be going to Ireland.  I don’t know yet and I won’t know for a long time, it would seem.  But please continue to keep me in your prayers and pray that everything will work out.  My heart wants this so much and I know that I am meant to be there.  I’m still seeking, still longing.  It is coming. . .

 

Writer’s Block Part II: Explination

I posted an entry a while back called Writer’s Block. Since then, I have redeveloped my ability to write, if that many any sense, and I just kind of wanted to explain what’s been going on.

This semester has been crazy busy for me. Today alone I spent eight hours in the library and got all of two lesson plans written. The only break I had the whole time was to call my very best friend for 15 minutes. When I am this busy, I have no time for myself anymore. It’s almost as though I become a completely different person altogether. I become Rebecca the student, rather than Rebecca the friend or Rebecca the writer, or even Rebecca the obsessive facebook checker. I’m just one 107 lbs lesson plan producing machine. When times like these happen, I lose my ability to be all of those other things. I love creative writing, it’s a passion I’ve had for a very long time. This semester, I’ve not been able to. I used to be able to work out my personal issues by writing a short scene that puts everything in a new perspective. When I’ve tried to do that this semester, nothing would come. I might be able to force out one sentence, but it was so obviously forced and so obviously horrible. I couldn’t even come up with anything to blog, and I hated that. But the other day, something just clicked. I put pen to paper, and a good six pages came from me before I even knew where it was coming from. Then, another story came into my head, and I couldn’t even sleep for all of the ideas racing about in my brain.

It’s good to be back.

PS

I’ve got two new sections on my blog. If you go to the top of the page, on the right, you will see the link to a poll, and a link to my favorite quotes. It may be well worth your time!

 

After Election Night…

This is from Al Mohler who is President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. I do not think it could be worded any better.

The election of Sen. Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States came as a bang, not a whimper. The tremors had been perceptible for days, maybe even weeks. On Tuesday, America experienced nothing less than a political and cultural earthquake.

The margin of victory for the Democratic ticket was clear. Americans voted in record numbers and with tangible enthusiasm. By the end of the day, it was clear that Barack Obama would be elected with a majority of the popular vote and a near landslide in the Electoral College. When President-Elect Obama greeted the throngs of his supporters in Chicago’s Grant Park, he basked in the glory of electoral energy.

For many of us, the end of the night brought disappointment. In this case, the disappointment is compounded by the sense that the issues that did not allow us to support Sen. Obama are matters of life and death — not just political issues of heated debate. Furthermore, the margin of victory and sense of a shift in the political landscape point to greater disappointments ahead. We all knew that so much was at stake.

For others, the night was magical and momentous. Young and old cried tears of amazement and victory as America elected its first African-American President — and elected him overwhelmingly. Just forty years after the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, an African-American stood to claim victory as President-Elect of the nation. As Sen. Obama assured the crowd in Chicago and the watching nation, “We will get there. We will get there.” No one hearing those words could fail to hear the refrain of plaintive words spoken in Memphis four decades ago. President-Elect Obama would stand upon the mountaintop that Dr. King had foreseen.

That victory is a hallmark moment in history for all Americans — not just for those who voted for Sen. Obama. As a nation, we will never think of ourselves the same way again. Americans rich and poor, black and white, old and young, will look to an African-American man and know him as President of the United States. The President. The only President. The elected President. Our President.

Every American should be moved by the sight of young African-Americans who — for the first time — now believe that they have a purchase in American democracy. Old men and old women, grandsons and granddaughters of slaves and slaveholders, will look to an African-American as President.
Regardless of politics, could anyone remain unmoved by the sight of Jesse Jackson crying alone amidst the crowd in Chicago? This dimension of Election Day transcends politics and touches the heart of the American people.

Yet, the issues and the politics remain. Given the scale of the Democratic victory, the political landscape will be completely reshaped. The fight for the dignity and sanctity of unborn human beings has been set back by a great loss, and by the election of a President who has announced his intention to sign the Freedom of Choice Act into law. The struggle to protect marriage against its destruction by redefinition is now complicated by the election of a President who has declared his aim to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. On issue after issue, we face a longer, harder, and more protracted struggle than ever before.

Still, we must press on as advocates for the unborn, for the elderly, for the infirm, and for the vulnerable. We must redouble our efforts to defend marriage and the integrity of the family. We must be vigilant to protect religious liberty and the freedom of the pulpit. We face awesome battles ahead.
At the same time, we must be honest and recognize that the political maps are being redrawn before our eyes. Will the Republican Party decide that conservative Christians are just too troublesome for the party and see the pro-life movement as a liability? There is the real danger that the Republicans, stung by this defeat, will adopt a libertarian approach to divisive moral issues and show conservative Christians the door.

Others will declare these struggles over, arguing that the election of Sen. Obama means that Americans in general — and many younger Evangelicals in particular — are ready to “move on” to other issues. This is no time for surrender or the abandonment of our core principles. We face a much harder struggle ahead, but we have no right to abandon the struggle.

We should look for opportunities to work with the new President and his administration where we can. We must hope that he will lead and govern as the bridge-builder he claimed to be in his campaign. We must confront and oppose the Obama administration where conscience demands, but work together where conscience allows.

Evangelical Christians face another challenge with the election of Sen. Obama, and a failure to rise to this challenge will bring disrepute upon the Gospel, as well as upon ourselves. There must be absolutely no denial of the legitimacy of President-Elect Obama’s election and no failure to accord this new President the respect and honor due to anyone elected to that high office. Failure in this responsibility is disobedience to a clear biblical command.

Beyond this, we must commit ourselves to pray for this new President, for his wife and family, for his administration, and for the nation. We are commanded to pray for rulers, and this new President faces challenges that are not only daunting but potentially disastrous. May God grant him wisdom. He and his family will face new challenges and the pressures of this office. May God protect them, give them joy in their family life, and hold them close together.

We must pray that God will protect this nation even as the new President settles into his role as Commander in Chief, and that God will grant peace as he leads the nation through times of trial and international conflict and tension.

We must pray that God would change President-Elect Obama’s mind and heart on issues of our crucial concern. May God change his heart and open his eyes to see abortion as the murder of the innocent unborn, to see marriage as an institution to be defended, and to see a host of issues in a new light. We must pray this from this day until the day he leaves office. God is sovereign, after all.

Without doubt, we face hard days ahead. Realistically, we must expect to be frustrated and disappointed. We may find ourselves to be defeated and discouraged. We must keep ever in mind that it is God who raises up nations and pulls them down, and who judges both nations and rulers. We must not act or think as unbelievers, or as those who do not trust God.

America has chosen a President. President-Elect Barack Obama is that choice, and he faces a breathtaking array of challenges and choices in days ahead. This is the time for Christians to begin praying in earnest for our new President. There is no time to lose.

 

While I’ve Still Got The Time to Have Them

Supposedly, I’m going to find out tomorrow sometime about Ireland.  While I still have time to be seperated from it, I wanted to flesh out my final thoughts until I get jumbled and confused with the final answers.

I am scared out of my mind.

I know, that’s a great way to start, huh?  I just want this so badly and I’m so afraid of what the answer will be.  Ok, that doesn’t make that much sense, or at least not the sense I wanted it to make.  Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m scared because I know that whatever happens will be what God wants for me and I’m afraid that what I want may not be what God wants.  If I don’t get it I know that I will have to accept that God didn’t want me to get it and it will be what is best for me, but that is not going to stop me from being very disappointed.  The fact that I didn’t win that paper contest doesn’t help…I’ve already set myself up to be disappointed.  I know that’s stupid, but I can’t help it.  I guess I feel that if I set myself up to expect something and it doesn’t happen, I’ll be more upset about it rather than if I set myself up to expect it NOT to happen.  How twisted is that?  Part of me sees it as realistic, part of me sees it as insane.  Either way, the point is, I’m not as convinced as some people are that I am a sure-thing to get this and that scares me to death. 

There’s another thing that scares me about this. It’s something that I’m not sure has actually hit me yet, even though I do get it on some level.  If this thing pans out and I get accepted, I am going to be living five weeks in another country………….wow.  I mean, my cousins have both done it; I’ve got great examples of how awesome it can be, but can I really do something like that.  It will certianly be out of my acceptable comfort zone…heck, going to college three hours from home was out of my comfort zone.  The day my parents left me at my dorm, I begged them to take me back home and not make me stay here.  Then again, as soon as they were gone, I was fine and fell in love with school.  What I’m trying to say is, I know I can handle it, but the thought of it right now is so frightening.  True, it’s not like I’m living somewhere where I don’t know the language (we can thank the English and their ancient pennal laws for that) but I’ll be living with someone who possibly won’t share my views or values; I’ll be expected to teach teenagers who have a completely different way of schooling than I am familar with, and I will know not a soul. 

Of course this brings up a completely different kind of fear: the actual student teaching part.  I’m not going to Ireland just for a five week joy trip; I’m going to have a job to do.  In order to even make it that far, I have to be awesome during my stateside student teaching.  What if I have a horrible co-op teacher?  What if I get into the high schools and just fail?  What if…….what ifs are pointless, I know that, but it is still a concern I’ve got, and an honest concern.  I am going have to work my tail off for 10 weeks even after I’ve got everything settled to go (assuming again that I get accepted).  That just won’t be easy or fun.

There’s one final thought I’ve got to consider: what does this mean for the relationships I am developing here? Ok yeah, it’s only five weeks…but a lot can happen in a month. True it’s not like I’ve got really any kind of commitments here during that time, but I’m afraid to even get to that point.  This goes not really just for Ireland, but for school in general.  In less than three months time, I am moving back home to Raleigh for good.  I will be leaving App and all of my friends here, possibly for the last time. I have plans for how I want my life to go following that time. I will not be coming back up to this area ever, except for short-term visits.  I love the mountains, but I can’t liver here long-term.  I want to teach in Raleigh, maybe eventually go to Charleston for grad school, maybe somewhere else, but probably not back up here.  I am trying to be realistic.  I love my friends here and I hope to always, always be contact with many of them, but honestly, once December rolls around there are going to be a lot of people I lose connections with.  Maybe this is why God has not allowed me to devlop a romantic realtionship with anyone up here, because He knows it can’t work.  And what happens if I go to Ireland and develop friendships there?  That’s going to be hard.  I know I can’t build myself up as a stonewall and be cold, but at the same time, I hate saying good-bye.  I won’t be easy. 

Let’s face it, nothing about this is going to be easy.  In fact, reading over this, part of me wonders if I’m insane. But in the end, this is what it boils down to: I love Ireland. I want to be there. Part of me almost feels like I need this.  I am scared out of my mind, but I know I still want this.  I’m still seeking for my place in this world and I am waiting and asking for God to direct me to where He wants me to be.  I hope that this includes Ireland, but if it doesn’t, I’ll learn to understand why.  Wherever I roam, be it Dublin or just back to Raleigh, I know that the Lord will be with me and I will find what I am seeking.